The Perfect Blog Title

One day, you have plans to rule the world and the next you're watching your bowel movements like a hawk. You think being a teenager was bad -- that was nothing compared to hitting the big 4 - 0.

I was born at the same time Sesame Street was, so when I see a word like "forty", I'm intnd to think it was brought to me by the letter F. What other words can you think of that also begin with the letter F? (Besides that one.) Hmm, let's see, we've got "failure", "foolish", "futile" and "flotational device". At least I know when I'll die -- the same year Sesame Street is cancelled. It's kind of a Halley's Comet thing.

As I'm shoved kicking and screaming into 40 on 18 November, I realize that there are some cherished dreams that are just never going to materialize throughout the rest of my life. They include:

* Never getting a horse -- and I don't mean a charley horse
* Never sleeping with Peter Gabriel (sex need not be involved)
* Never being the youngest person in the world to land a major book deal, then star in direct in the film adaptation of the book and win an Oscar
* Never again being able to eat a donut without worrying about what it will do to my colon

But, stil, ya gotta larf. I'm now going to end with a scene from my squandered youth:

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Intro

This article was a special order that the client turned down because he claimed that cannabis does not have a tates when added to foods or beverages. You could've knocked me over with a puff of puff when I read that. A stoner having taste buds as opposed to just buds? Anyway, the kind of cannabis I cooked with in the UK was called skunk, although it smelled just fine.

I shopped this around to other clients, but they don't want to touch it because marijuana is such as controversial issue (even medical marijuana). I do not blame you, clients. So, I'm going to stick it up here for free. It's my way of spreading the love.

Now, I cooked with cannabis because I was homeless and needed something for toothaches, insomnia, migraines and dealing with an alcoholic boyfriend. I wouldn't cook with it again because, quite frankly, I have access to better drugs (Prozac and Xanax). I also got rid of the boyfriend. I DO NOT recommend taking cannabis just for the heck of it. This is a substance that needs to be treated with respect. Besides, Xanax gets you stoned faster and you can spell it the same way backwards as you can forwards.

Here it is: Developing a Taste for Cannabis

Some people are put off cooking with cannabis, even though cooking it is arguably far more beneficial than smoking it. It's either because they are scared of what it will taste like or because they have tried it before and did not like the taste. But don’t let one bad experience spoil the possibilities of baking, cooking or making hot, soothing beverages with cannabis.

What Does It Taste Like?

Cannabis is usually described as having an "earthy" taste, but what does that mean? It means marijuana can often taste like dirt. People who like to eat freshly picked button or wild mushrooms should also enjoy the taste of cannabis. People who smoke tobacco often have dulled taste buds and claim they cannot detect the cannabis in food or drinks.

Cannabis leaves can sometimes a leave a sand-like grit in sauces, drinks or bakery goods. This is one reason why people turn to making cannabis butter or oil. But many people do not have the time or patience to make clarified butter or oil. Cannabis butter or oil can still leave a slightly earthy taste but it is not as detectable as it is when cooking with just the leaves.

Grinding It Up

Taste and texture are paramount to indulging in a special dish. But if put off by the thought of grit or a dirt-like flavor, The Hemp and Cannabis Foundation recommends making a cannabis flour. This can also be used in sauces, casseroles or hot beverages -- not just for baking brownies.

Use dry cannabis parts, although some strains that are dry to the touch will release considerable moisture when ground up. Some people prefer to use a mortar and pestle in order to control every bit of the grinding process, but using a food processor will be quicker. If there is a problem with moisture, then adding a pinch of real flour or even dried rice will help to soak up the moisture and make dry flour.

Inevitably, some stubborn pieces will refuse to be ground up. These can be strained out from the flour and used to add to chai or coffee. The taste of the chai or coffee is usually strong enough to cover up the cannabis taste and gives a warming and soothing drink.

Cannabis flour should be used within a few days, unless it has gotten very moist. In that case, it should be used immediately or it may spoil. Use the flour like a dried spice in hot dishes in order to taste the food and not just the cannabis flour. Use sparingly in bakery goods.

If your life has been far too happy lately and you really need some depression in order to balance things out, there's nothing like reading a chapter of a book on Chrisitanity and then a chapter of a book on Islam and then comparing the two.

In case you're wondering, I've done just that. I read Catholicism For Dummies and The Complete Idiot's Guide to Understanding Islam. (Yes, I know, Catholicism is only a branch of Chrisitanity, but a hell of a big one).

The depressiong part is not only that anyone still is dim-witted enough to participate in organized religion, but that these particular two religions are so full of similarities that you really can't help but wonder what all the arguments are about. People and animals have actually died over this crap.

The similarities include:

* Belief in angels and a Judement Day
* Belief in that whole one God thing
* Belief that Christians will go to Heaven
* Belief that somehow people are better than animals
* Thou shalt not lie, commit adultery, murder or steal stuff that ain't yours
* Robes -- lots and lots of robes

So if these religions are so similar, then why to the adherents hate each other so much? It could be because they are so similar. Think about who really gets on your tits. It's usually not complete strangers, but your family or your lover. This is because they know you so well that they know precisely how to wind you up.

Really, we all need to watch "Monty Python's Life of Brian" and get on with our lives.

It was ten years ago today that I stopped dilly-dallying and decided I was a Witch. I did a little self-initiation ceremony in the bathtub. I wanted wisdom. I wanted positive change. And I also wanted a blue-eyed lover. Sadly, I got all three, although the blue-eyed lover (Peter Gabriel) is now only met in dreams.

I've gone through a hell of a lot in ten years. Some highlights:

* Ran away to England
* Had to return to America when my hand-made home in England was burnt down
* Fell in love with a blue-eyed homeless busker, Mitch
* He was the guy who burnt my home down
* I became homeless in the south of England for 5 years
* Inside of my home was an 800 page manuscript about witchcraft
* Was attacked by Mitch, so I defended myself and he had me arrested for assault so I spent a lovely night as a guest of Bath police department. Charges were dropped
* I nearly got run over by Eric Clapton in his Lambourghini during the brief time I lived in Cranliegh in Surrey
* Met Patrick Stewart
* Got an autograph from Patrick, but it burned in the fire
* However, I sent a photocopy of the autograph to my Mom who saved it
* Although homeless, managed to get enough money together to travel to Birmingham and see a Peter Gabriel concert on 1 June 2004
* Was too ashamed of myself to go visit Peter Gabriel, even though his studio was only several miles only from my home in the woods. I did see PG walk about a few times during my years in England, but I never approached him.
* Got my first dog, Rusty, but he died about six months later. He'd been abandoned when he was an estimated 16 years old when he came to be mine
* Got my current dog, Pony. (Doing well, thank you)
* Got two tanks worth of fish while back in America
* Discovered that my Mom had saved some of my belongings I'd left behind over five years previously because she somehow knew I'd be back
* Finally got help for my engenous recurring depression while I was homeless in England because I couldn't afford to do it while I was employed in America
* Finally got help for my migraines
* Started my own business as a freelance writer in October of 2006 and it's doing very well, thank you

So, what have I learned from all of this? Wells, there is an old saying by Albert Einstein that goes "God does not play dice." However, not only does God play dice, the bastard cheats.

I've just recently been commissioned to write articles on every single Johnny Cash album ever released. This is going to give me a tidy profit. Why? That Johnny Cash was a busy boy. Not counting bootleg albums, his officially released US albums total a whopping 96. Not like a certain British singer-songwriter we know. (Yes, Peter Gabriel -- I'm talkin' to you.)

I grew up listening to Johnny Cash because my Dad was a big fan. Also, it was pretty hard to be an American with at least one working ear and not bump into a JC tune every once in a while. Now that I'm burying myself in everything Johnny Cash, one can't help but notice that he was a little crazy about Christianity.

According to The Man Called Cash (Steve Turner, 2004), JC believed in tithing. The way he did it was that every tenth song he recorded had to be a gospel song. Eventually, he went on to do only gospel albums.

Now, gospel music is actually damn good music. There have been many a Christian who became "saved" merely through listening to the music. And then they go on to live their lives in a very un-Christian manner.

So, what kind of God is the God ssung about in American traditional gospel music? (Not that contemporty fluffy bunny pop gospel crap, either). I mean a real good thumper like "I Saw the Light" (which was actually written by Hank Williams, but it still counts).

The God seems to be the the song itself. Just the feeling you get from singing it with others. There is a touch of the transcendent there for just that space. Other than that, what could have this God meant to such performers as JC, who had a sadistic father who drowned JC's puppies for fun. Why would God allow these puppies to die and yet be the subject of such triumphant music?

God is good at being the God of creativity, but not much else.

JC would probably say, "Never mind. Just play another song."

So, we will. Here's JC in "Wonderful Time Up There":

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My dog Pony is five years old today. We did the usual doggie birthday thing of going for a long walk in the sporatic rain, eating too much and enjoying a large shopping spree at Pony's favorite pet store. She's the best thing that ever happened to me.

A long time ago, when I was homeless in England, I took in a 16 year old abandoned mixed breed dog named Rusty. He only lived another few months, but made a huge impression on me, since he was my first dog. He died in February 2002 and it wasn't until almost two years later did I feel recovered enough to think about getting another dog.

Since I was still homeless at the time, I was not allowed to adopt a dog from a shelter. I also seriously lacked the money to buy a dog. Any dog I would get would have to come to me. I don't do many magic spells because they take up so much time and effort. Besides, I may later come to regret them.

But I did a spell for a dog. I asked the Goddess Hecate for a dog and gave her a list of requirements. Months later, I was told that a friend's bitch had escaped for a night on the town while she was in heat and just gave birth to four puppies. The birthdate was August 13, which used to be a festival day for the Goddess Hecate.

Since then, Pony and I have been through a lot, including getting beat up by the same man; watching our home burn down; trans-atlantic flight and living in America. Pony's chased away my nightmares.

Sometimes, watching her twitch in her sleep and snore, I wonder about that spell I did long ago and our life since. Although I dont believe that "all things work together for good for them that love God", it is nice to look at her and know that sometimes, sometimes, I can just hear a voice whisper:

"And they all lived happily ever after."

(NOTE: I still hope to visit Australia someday. I just want to find a place without people in it.)

Wonder why I haven't updated this blog in two months? I've been racking my brains out over a huge assignment -- writing 250 word biographies of 663 Australian actors. (Yes -- there are 663 actors that are somehow connected with Australia.) Now, 250 words does not sound like much, but then I received the list of actors. These included one actress who's fan site was closed "due to lack of interest", the first Australin model to pose in the American edition of "Playboy" and one obscure Australian actor who's name is (I kid you not) James Stewart.

Not happy, Jan.

But I finally finished the assignment with two days to spare, have been paid for three-quarters of it already. My brain feels as is it's been on the barbie. I want to go bush. The problem is, whenever I turn on the telly or open the newspaper, there are Australians everywhere. When Mom and I went to the Philadelphia Museum of Art in order for me to relax, there were Australians there.

Things I learned about Australian actors:

* Anthony LaPaglia is Australian.
* The blonde guy from "House" is Australian.
* The quinessential British actor, Leo McKern? Yup -- Australian.
* Yahoo Serious is still alive.
* The kid who played the Feral Kid in "Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior" (1982) grew up to become an employee in a jewelry store. Another cast member, Vernon Wells, who played biker gange leader Wez in the movie wound up playing the same character in two more films -- "Weird Science" (1985) and a short film no one's ever seen.
* The TV series "BeastMaster" and "Blue Heelers" would employ anybody.
* The world's best whip cracking expert is Australian John Brady.
* Australia's first legal transsexual is Estelle Asmodelle -- who has written two books and still can't get them published.
* Most of the cast of the highly acclaimed movie "2:37" (2006) came from complete obscurity and went right right back to it after the movie premiered. This was because the filmmaker's largest financial backer had a change of heart at the last minute, so he had to cast some kids he found at a local mall. Guess who had to write about every single cast member?
* Thank God and Goddess for fan sites!

Off to collapse now.