Thursday, June 26, 2008

I Want To Donate My Breasts To Charity

Now that Peter Gabriel is having his fourth child with his second wife, it's become painfully obvious to me that my breasts no longer serve any purpose of luring Peter over to The Dark Side.

I'm really getting sick of my breasts. The serve no useful purpose now that I've been celibate for nearly 4 years. Now all they do is get zits and point to opposite ends of the compass. They used to be men-magnets -- now all they'll probably ever attract is cancer.

There must be some way I can get rid of my breasts and help make the world a better place at the same time. My breasts keep changing in size. Surely, some breat deprived person needs a breat donation of some kind. There must be some poor soul in the Make A Wish foundation who's final wish is "Get my tits back."

I wonder how much the IRS would reimburse me for donating my breats to charity? Perhaps Peter could use them to auction off for one of his charities.

There I go again.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Odds and Sods

Suddenly, I'm the popular web content writer and have been so busy I need to turn down work. So, here's a quick round up of some news items in my life and updates on stories previously mentioned in previous posts.

Congratulations to Peter Gabriel and his latest wife. She's expecting what will be Peter's fourth child. He's revealed that they already know that it's a boy. He does not reveal when the latest Gabriel is due. This will make the Gabriel kids equalled at two girls and two boys. I think Samuel would be a good name.

I have a new job as one of the two bloggers for WebbleYou Blog Network's Animal Lover. It makes a great change of pace writing about animals. However, I don't know how long this job will last, as I have yet to have a reader make a comment on the blog.

Joe Paterno (who has been coaching Penn State's football team probably before football was even invented) gave us all a scare by being briefly hospitalized, but checked himself out. He tells reporters that it was "no big deal". We've heard that before.

Congress is to hold a hearing on the Thoroughbred horse racing industry June 19 (yes, THIS June 19). I don't think it will help the horses at all, but at least it puts the sillness and cruelty of the "sport" into public light.

I have another new job at eHow. As a joke, I proposed to do How To Live Like Howard Hughes, and they bought it.

My hard-working carpenter father has finally retired at the age of 67. Congrats, Dad! Time to party.

Until next time, remember to keep on taking the painkillers.

Note: The Latest Gabriel is due June 27...yes, THIS June 27.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Did the Mormons Plot to Kill Howard Hughes?

Usually, I blame Tom Cruise for everything, but he wasn't even born when the events that happened to Howard Hughes transpired. Besides, Tom is a Scientologist, not a Mormon. (Yes -- there is a difference).

Anyways, during the last twenty years or so of his indiosyncratic life, billionaire paranoid Aviator extraordinare Howard Hughes had a whole army of aids, security guards, suerveliance crew and drivers that were all Mormon. The legend goes that Hughes was talking on the phone to some Hot Shot's PA on New year's Eve and realizes he was talking to someone who was stone cold sober. "I'm Mormon, so I don't drink or smoke," was the answer.

So, Hughes hired a Mormon. Somehow, this Mormon managed to push out all other employees and have them all replaced by Mormons. It won't be any shocking news to know that Hughes spent his last yeatrs in a drugged stupor, where he was easily maniupulated to giving away his fortune to the "Mormon Mafia" (as his aids were called).

You wonder why the Mormons bothered. Perhaps it was the money. Perhaps it was a shitload of money. Then again, I wonder if the original Mormon employee thought, "I could really make this sinner's life a living hell. And it would serve him right, because I'd be doing God's work."

After all, Hughes was not exactly a poster boy for morality (mainstream, Christian or Mormon). He held hundreds of people's lives in the palms of his hands and really couldn't care less what heppened to them (not through bad morals -- but through the at least head injuries he sustained in his lifetime).

I bet you most of the Mormons who mistreated and robbed Hughes felt perfectly justified in what they were doing.

And if we think we are better than those Mormon aids, then we really don't know ourselves very well.